Never have I started a new year so discouraged. We just finished a wonderful Christmas season. I got to see all but one of my kids gathered together. We had some wonderful experiences and made some wonderful memories. We started the month with a trip to Knott’s Berry Farm. We visited family, attended parties, experienced the fun of an escape room, kept old traditions alive and made news ones. We wrapped up the year with a trip to the mountains for some family time and snow play… and, of course, Stephen’s birthday and New Year’s Eve celebrations with friends.
Why, then, do I feel so glum? Well, in the midst of the fun and joy, there are always present the intense heartache of broken relationships, and the stress of financial and time pressures. There is the ever-present and crushing to-do list that only seems to grow longer and much heavier when ignored (like it has been during December). There is the ever-growing list of things broken, or on their last leg, that need replacing; and you know there is not enough money to fund all of them. There is the pain of a child who has estranged herself from us. Who, though she was actually IN TOWN on my birthday 2.5 weeks ago, chose to have zero contact with us, and refused to respond to us when we reached out. That hurts. The pain of discovering that a long-estranged relative of my husband died, months ago, before any reconciliation could be made with the family. The sadness of watching those close to me suffer disappointment and heartache in their lives and relationships. The little bit of death that happens when kids criticize our parenting. Because we know our failings all too well. We know our regrets. We see, in hindsight, what we should have done differently. But, those who criticize can’t know that we truly tried to do the best we could with the circumstances we had. How can you know to withhold judgment until you’ve walked a mile in the other guy’s shoes? That comes with experience, and after being judged. Worse still, are the unspoken judgments. The ones only expressed with eyes of disgust. And then there are the hurtful things said by one family member to another. Things said in jest with a side of truth. Things that are said in all earnest and intended to hurt. And it’s not just the kids that do this. Sometimes it’s me. And then I hate myself.
My life is not what I imagined it would be ten years ago. It’s much less like the beautiful, idealistic Norman Rockwell paintings that I adore, and more like the scrambled Picassos that I don’t care for at all.
How does one come to accept the ugly reality that is their actual life? How does one survive the pain of rejection and broken relationships? How does one not grieve what should have been? Or what I perceive that other families have, that I do not possess? Harmony, peace, happy, joyful relationships.
I haven’t figured it all out yet. I still feel raw. And I cry at random times.
But, this I know: None of this pain and dysfunction takes God by surprise. He knew from before time began that, not just my family, but all of humanity would be a train wreck. Dysfunctional at the core. And he sent Jesus to earth to save us all from sin. From ourselves.
This is a comfort. It doesn’t take the pain away. But it puts it in perspective for me and gives me an anchor when the waves of pain come hard and fast. He and he alone is unchanging. He and he alone is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer.
He is my hope. And for this reason, I can go on.
Category Archives: Family
Happy New Year???
Filed under Family, Home, Odds and ends
To my new daughter in law
Note: The past two years have brought two lovely young women into our family, as two of our sons have married. This message is intended for both of my new daughters-in-law, and to the other brides who will be entering our lives in the years to come.
Dear bride of my son,
There are things I want to tell you. Things I want you to know. Things I want desperately for you to believe. Things I wish were openly discussed with me when I became a daughter-in-law all those years ago.
1. I love you. Not because of anything you do or say but simply because you are a part of the family now and my son loves you.
2. I don’t expect you do to things that way that I have done them. You are a different person with different circumstances. I expect you will make different choices and am not offended by that. Perhaps the way I have done things will impact you, since my son is a product of my choices. I’m confident you can work through this to a compromise/middle ground, and that you will find your own way together. I do love hearing about your decisions and plans, and getting to know you better in the process.
3. I don’t care what you call me. Mom, Christina, Chris, Mrs Fredricks (though I don’t love the more formal Mrs!) Choose what makes you most comfortable. It’s OK with me if the name you select changes over the years.
4. If you disagree with me, do not be shy about saying so. I am an opinionated person. Do not let those (often forcefully) stated opinions push you to silence. I love a good dialog and I’m happy to learn and be shown a new/different way. And just because I share my opinion does not mean I don’t respect your views or the right you have to hold those views.
5. Feel free to share what is really on your mind. I can take it. And if I find I can’t? It won’t change my love for you. I’ll pray and examine my own heart to see why I’m having a hard time. And then I’ll pray some more and let it go. I know it can be hard to open up and share your thoughts and opinions. It’s much easier to walk away with things unsaid than risk criticism, hostility and rejection. Please be brave. It builds relationship and trust.
6. When making family plans, I will inform you of details. This does not mean I expect that you will be able to make every family event. I understand that you are your own family, and that you must make decisions based on what is best for you. I realize this will be even more true if/when you have kids. If you would like to suggest an alternate plan that works for your family dynamics, I’m happy to work to accommodate. I understand well the wonderful and yet horribly difficult position of having extended family on both sides vying for the privilege of your company.
7. If I express sadness that you cannot make an event, it is simply that. It’s not a passive-aggressive move to guilt you into a different decision.
8. If I ever become aware of a conflict between you and my son, I will not take sides. It’s not you vs him/us. It’s you together that we lobby for. I know well my son’s failings/character flaws and will not assume that you are to blame. If you want advice or counsel from me, I am available and am happy to share based on my own experience. I’d be honored to be worthy of your confidence. However, I fully expect that the two of you will be able to resolve any strife between you just fine with God’s help. And much prayer.
9. I ask that you let me still be involved in my son’s life. I’m not competing with you. Now, you come first in his life, after God. This is good. If there should come a time when you make my son choose between me and you, I fully support him choosing you. Even though it will be hard for me.
10. I will not pester you about if/when you plan to have children. Obviously, I think having kids is an awesome thing or I would not have chosen the life I did. I dearly hope for more grandchildren. But, this is YOUR decision, as a couple. I’m very thankful that my parents and my parents-in-law respected our decisions in this area and want to pass that same respect along to my kids.
11. If/when you do have children, please let me be a part of their lives. I love kids, and am happy to babysit. 🙂
12. I pray for you. Every. Single. Day.
13. When I disappoint you, as I’m sure I will, please do not be afraid to confront me. And please forgive me.
May God bless you on this wonderful journey called marriage. Sometimes it’s a wild and bumpy ride, but after experiencing the rough, rocky, rutted places in the road, you’ll be able to appreciate the smooth ride on a well paved path so much more. May we have many years together to grow in love and appreciation for each other!
